THE ONE AND ONLY

1. Buy 2 bottles of coke.
2. Empty one (or drink it)
3. Fill it with sprite and soy sauce 4. Give it to your friend and drink the normal one to reassure them 5. Laugh at their reaction!

“IT’S A GUY THING” Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.” “CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?” “UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR” Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response. “IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.” “I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” Translated: “That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.” “TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.” Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.” “THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Translated: “Are you still talking?” “YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘Dukes of Hazard’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.” “I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.” “OH, DON’T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.” Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.” “I CAN’T FIND IT.” Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.” “WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Translated: “What did you catch me at?” “I HEARD YOU.” Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.” “YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.” Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.” “YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.” “I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes. In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam’s, One covered Eve’s. As the story goes on, Never the less to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away. At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve’s treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder came, Under Eve’s eyes, As Adam’s thing, Started to rise. They found a spot, That suited them best, A nice big tree, Where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider, And wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart. The head of Adam’s thing, Peeked into the hole, And filled her with passion, Beyond her control. Backward and forward, His thing did slide, And Eve’s treasure, Was all wet inside. The joy was good, She wouldn’t let loose, Until Adam’s thing, Was all out of juice. Then down through the years, People did screw, And now it is time, For me and you. So pull down your pants, And lay in the grass, Cause I’m in the mood, For a piece of that ASS!

I hate when people take my glasses and say “wow you really cant see”… well no shit. i dont go around taking peoples wheelchairs saying “wow you really cant walk”

That awkward moment when you go to the doctor and the doctor asks you if you are sexually active in front of your mom ~~ That awkward moment when a GPS tells a gay person to go straight ~~ That awkward moment when you don’t know whether to give up your seat because you can’t tell whether the woman is pregnant or just chubby ~~ that awkward moment when your father asks you if you’re being safe ~~ that awkward moment when you taking a shit in a public restroom and someone walks in on you during the middle of your final push ~~ the awkward moment when an ugly girl asks you if she’s ugly ~~ the awkward moment when you congratulate a fat lady for being pregnant ~~ the awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone but fuck up the words ~~ that awkward moment when someone asks you what’s wrong and they are the problem ~~

THE MOST POISONOUS SNAKE: NAME: ‘Expecteria Trouserius’ (Trouser Snake) LOCATION: Throughout the world DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to blàck. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies. SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death. HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places. MILKING: 1) Place hand around snake. 2) Start to milk in an up & down motion. (By this time, it should become agitated and start spitting.) 3) After milking, snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes. IN CONCLUSION: Although the Trouser Snake is aggressive and active, it is not necessarily a vermin, and when treated with the right respect, can be a wonderful pet.

1. Make a T-shirt that says “Life” on it. Go on the corner of a busy intersection and hand out lemons.
2. Hire 2 private investigators. Get them follow each other.
3. Go into a crowded elevator and say. “I bet you’re all wondering why i gathered you here today.” With a completely serious face. 4. Make vanilla pudding. Put it in a mayo jar and eat in public. 5. Wait until someone is about to sneeze and right before they do it yell “PIKA PIKAAAA!” 6. Run into any business and quickly ask “WHAT YEAR IS IT?!” After they answer scream “It worked!” and run out cheering. 7. Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula. 8. Change name to Simon and speak in the 3rd person. 9. Buy a parrot. Teach him to say “Help! I’ve been turned into a parrot!” 10. Follow joggers around in my car blasting “Eye of the Tiger” for encouragement.

One of my favorite Jokes (; hope you haven’t seen it before.. I call it… THE BUS RIDE Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.” The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”

A Rapist, A Psycho & A Gay Rapist: If I Find a Cat here I will fk it hard till it dies! Psycho: Oh, Yeah! And once it’s dead I will fk it till I die! Gay guy standing in the Corner softly says: Meeooww!